Ever read the book Bad Feminist?
Yeah me either. Although, I did read the free-be sample on kindle (shout out to Amazon, because I’m almost positive I’ve read the capacity of a full book with all of the free samples I’ve completed).
The prologue was [awesome]. I laughed. I cried. I nodded- a lot. This woman Roxanne Gay basically wrote all of the crap that she does, reads, listens to and [head bangs] to in her car, but totally feels guilty about because she’s a woman and her go-to car jam shouldn’t involve lyrics that rhyme with our female cardinal treasure, or about an inanimate object comparison to our boot-ay.
How true though, right? Like at the gym it’s legal to listen to Lil’ Wayne Eff Bit****, or Akon’s explicit verison of “I Wanna Love You,” (reminder, Love is the clean version) but gosh in my heartiest-of-hearts-reality I hope DJ Swizzy, Dizzy and Mizzy don’t hate women as much as they sing about it. I’m of course guilty of jumping on the band wagon of a catchy beat. But, technology today, we can’t make a song with the same tune and maybe at little less degradation…? Like I love funny girls thats my real problem. Somehow rapping about the [sexual state] of a woman is catchy and popular, and worthy of roll-your-windows-down-on-the-way-to-the-shore (I’m Sorry Fetty-Wap, but even if I met you, I would not let you “press rewind though”). Again [Guilty].
Don’t Worry. We are in this together.
OK. I won’t go all feminist-rant on you. I’ll save that for another time where we can discuss how HOME DEPOT would not come to my home without my dad (male figure) present to “pay the bill.” Yeah. I know.
Like Ms. Gay, I too, am probably a BAD FEMINIST. I rarely stay up late thinking about equal pay and double standard campaigns. As a woman, I’m not going to be voting for Hilary Clinton and I like a black cocktail dress to accentuate my hard work at Crossfit.
But. I am also a [BAD CHRISTIAN].
When I feel sad, I love to read my favorite bible verses & One Tree Hill quotes, or research words from above that will [give me strength]. I go to church on Sundays and bow my head to pray for my family, my deployed brother, my sister’s future and that last minute grant I turned in for my big girl job. I have FAITH playlists on my Spotify & I sing along at church. I teach Sunday school and I work for a Nonprofit Homeless-Outreach Center.
Get this. It’s [Christian Affiliated]…Heaven…Golden Ticket?
On paper, I’m a pretty good Christian (ugh minus high school halloween costumes- sorry mom & dad). But in reality I’m not so sure I fit any type of [Real-Christian-Model]. Kinda like I got the “starter bible” that they give to new believers, but I missed out on the [official one] that apparently gives humans the right to judge and use God’s testimony as justification for discrimination or treating others badly [or shaming those who don’t look or act like us].
[So let’s just get this straight] | What Makes me a rebellious- B/A Christian?
[Lukewarm]: Now generally speaking, this is something I would use to describe a shower taken after my sister and her lioness-mane-hair that took an hour plus to clean, while solving 10th grade drama, inevitably leaving a less then enjoyable temperature of water for the rest of us; it’s that annoying temperature of shower water that you know is going to literally turn to ice at any second and cause a war between the rest of the house whom needs to take care of their own hygiene via shower & loofa. It’s also a phrase I often heard Christians use to condemn or level those whose flames didn’t burn quite as strong as their “on-fire” Christian-Self. It labeled those who came to youth group & church on Sunday; that talked-the-talk, but other days didn’t walk-the-walk.
Inevitably, this shower-word alienated on-the-fence-faith-ees. It created room for judgement, or a void to have a human opinion on another individuals walk with faith. I like to call it, Christian Rank; unrealistic expectations.
[Lukewarm]. It still gives me the heeby-jeebies. A word to describe a painfully-almost-cold-shower-experience, doubles as a description to label those who haven’t reached the human perception of [Real Christian]. I had this fear that everyone around me thought I was “lukewarm” and judging my actions as a result of my less-then-enjoyably-h0t-temperature-faith. As others raised their hands to worship, I spent much time with my eyes closed, wondering what the appropriate amount of time was to keep my arm raised, or sway back and forth; subtly, but noticeably? Did I balance enough singing and eye closing to deter those lukewarm accusers?
[And Worse. Could God tell?]
[Giving 10% | Tithing]: The offering plate used to be so much fun when we were little. My mom would hand me a dollar bill and I would fold it up like origami until the gold dish was handed to me in the pew. But as time proceeded, my mom no longer handed me the 1 dollar bills; every time that offering plate got passed around I got this overwhelming feeling of [GUILT]. Especially now that I have an actual income; one that is often dispersed to online shopping, a gym membership and friendly fellowship at a local bar.
In fact, I’m convinced that red light ticket I got last week, was probably a result of the universe punishing me for my lack of tithing and that all the awesome tith-ers and committers get “lucky” when the light turns “pinkish-yellowish” and can roll through it without being smited.
[Up For Your Interpretation]: Would I ever measure up to those biblical stories of those giving the last coin of their existence?
[Praying out loud]: Aside from the family dinner table when we offer thanks to God for the food and safety of our unit—intimately praying out-loud, it freaks me out. It’s not that I’m embarrassed, but like what if I said something wrong or weird? Did I address God correctly? Is he a sir or mister, does he prefer being called thy, or thee? Does he speak Spanish and all my prayers thus far have been misunderstood?
I’ve always felt my faith is a personal thing and the actions I show and the love I give actually speaks louder then my ability to “pray in front” of other people. I mean if I really pray for Sunny Weather or to reach my fitbit goal of 10 K steps…does the person next to me really care? But God [has to care]. Because he promised [Just like my mom has to tell me I look fab. in my outfit…ugh..parental guilt].
Praying out loud – crazy anticipation. I am- for all intense purposes-a writer. I like words. So I sum up something good in my head before actually letting go and giving it to God. Proof-reading. I get it…trust issues. But I’m not sure there is a rule on my prayer location, whether it be my bedroom, mid-Walt Whitman bridge, or amongst a group of people out loud. Does my lack of out-loudness- put me yet again in the lukewarm-shower-temp.-group rank?
Should I be faking it, until I make it?
When I see [Evangelists] like [West Boro Baptist Church] on street corners, I feel shy and embarrassed of their out-loud condemnation speeches. Last year, JMU had the un-pleasure of having a preacher mounted in front of our library, condemning everyone to Hell (in the name of Jesus Christ). The same Hell that I believed existed, based on my faith. Standing there as he pointed out the sluts, and the gays and the risky frat boys, & the cheerleaders with inviting skirts, I couldn’t help but feel such guilt for having the same “religion” as this man. On paper we were both Christians; we believed in the same God. But “his” version screamed hate and ostracizing, while mine pleaded for acceptance and love.
[Reoccurring Thought of A Bad Christian]: How can I possibly believe in something where so many humans use the sacraments to diminish and discriminate others. Did God give this special gift of judgement to some, while the rest of us missed it?
Thinking back on seeing that Perfect-Christian-repping-preacher- I regret not screaming, “what about the worriers.” Worrying is a sin too. Right now, “they” are targeting sexual orientation & gender issues. But what about tomorrow? What about 50 years from now when we run out of other visible differences to condemn. Who then?
First They came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out- Because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out- Because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out- Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me- and there was no one left to speak for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemöller
[I Worry.] A LOT. Like all the time. I worry about sleeping in an extra 2 minutes, in that it will make my commute to work inevitably, and unluckily 20 minutes longer. I worry my sister will have the desire to become a biker and that my parents will sell the house before I’m ready to leave. I worry that I put too much sugar in my coffee and that my vegetable intake does not meet the “MyPlate” by the government requirements.
[If it is a thought. I have thunk it. And If I have thunk it, I’ve defiantly worried about it.]
So when they come for the worriers; whom will defend me?
I make the wrong decisions…a lot of the time.
I’ve never been good at multiple choice tests or true false questions. Sometimes I secretly hoped my smudged-eraser-marks would end up confusing the teacher enough to think I picked the correct answer..I’d say my mantra involves a [#second-guessing-nature]. If there are two choices in front of me, one circled in green with a big sign in [neon lights], saying pick this choice dummy, I’ll most likely go with the latter. Perhaps it’s my stubborn personality or my constant fear of doing the wrong thing. But I make the wrong decisions sometimes, which often result in a Sunday Nap session or FRIENDS marathon on the couch. But I’ll be damned if people ever think after all the bad, that my praying knees get lazy [Thanks Lee-Brice].
[Bad Political Christian]: I have a lot of socially liberal, otherwise contradictory of Republican/Christianity, opinions. God Gave us free will; the free will to choose our life, the free will to choose him.
He didn’t give me the authority to create laws and obstacles to force others into a certain way of life; we spend so much time fighting to change others views, when we are completely aware of free will; what a waste of time and energy [and tax dollars] when people are hungry & children have no home. I think he gave me a light to shine, in hopes that others would recognize that love and want to show the same to others. I believe in equality regardless of race, sexual orientation & gender. I enjoy helping the poor regardless of their welfare status and often total lack of motivation to better their situations. And although I don’t fully believe in the “public theory” of those who work hard paying for those who don’t, I do believe there is a happy medium and it just hasn’t been found yet.
[Bandwagon-Bad-Social-Christian]: I’ve been to rated R movies, and enjoyed crude humor. I could laugh until the cows, chickens and the pigs come home at the airplane scene of bridesmaids. I change the channel or fall asleep when the 700 club comes on and Jesus Bumper stickers make me sorta nervous. I sometimes think about my workweek in church during the sermon. I set Bible App alarms on my phone and often screen the call as I would an ex- boyfriend or stalker. [NEWSFLASH don’t screen God’s calls]. I’ve spent many nights awake in bed playing the blame game with God, and avoiding him. But he’s like that friken friend in your car who wont stop singing off key no matter what station you put on. God be like, (I have swag now- working in West Philadelphia) Girl I’m gonna let you do your thing over there and watch you resist. But Girl I already know the answer. So you go ahead with your bad self and try to solve it. But unlike those who will turn on you during that process. I’ll still be here when you figure it out. Even if you keep dying your hair.
I’ve had hangovers, regrets and judged someone in my head.
I sometimes wish ill-will on people who have hurt and broke me. I hope that they will get endless parking tickets and speeding violations or perhaps sit in wet paint or drag toilet paper on their foot in public. I avoid praying for my enemies by pretending to not think of their existence. I pray a “flower pot falls from a window sill and knocks them in the head like I’d like to.”
(insert bruce almight)
So. There you have it. [I’m a Bad Christian.]; politically, monetarily, praying-ly & biblica-ly.
But the one thing that circles me back to Christianity, kinda like how Roxanne Gay would call her self a feminist, is that I do have faith that grows every day and a heart that is ALWAYS in the right place (or attempting to be).
[I’m Bad To The Bone- And I Like It]: This year I decided to become a Sunday School Teacher…A Non-conventional one, in every stretch of the means. The kids are WILD. I mean literally wild third graders. In between reading Hebrews and resurrection crossword puzzles , chairs are thrown, silly words are made up and someone always ends up standing on a piece of furniture. I didn’t want to be a Sunday school teacher for image or for anti-lukewarm propaganda; or even to secure my golden ticket. I wanted to be a Sunday School teacher because I Am A Bad Christian; I remember what it was like to be little and fearful of what religion was.
I don’t want the next generation of kids to be fearful of God, or fearful of their possible lukewarmness. I want them to know they are loved. NO MATTER WHAT.
I don’t want them to fear when life happens & free human will is executed, that God drops their rank on his list of real Christians, for those who deserve more love and acceptance. The one thing God didn’t give us was an exception list… I love all except those who………
For crying out loud, God loved Satan…his heart broke for him.
In return, I can be self-evident- Like Roxanne, knowing that I can’t be the all encompassed-knower-of-everything-Christian and perfection; but that when my kids on Sunday pray out loud, it’s making me less afraid; and I know that they are teaching me about the parts of my faith I need to work on.
Roxanne of the Bad Feminist Essays, says that Bad Feminism is better then
no-feminismat all. It signifies awareness; awareness that we can do better; awareness. And although she drops a beat to lil’ Wayne in da-club; she wants to make the better choices, and vows to try to make them when given the chance (and she won’t self loath when she doesn’t).
Lukewarm showers. It’s better then no shower at all- I’m clean after-all.
[Lukewarm Christians]. It’s an awareness. It’s the ability to believe in something that I know to be true; even if I don’t fully always understand what that entails; And I don’t always follow the doctrine to a T or have the mustard seed faith that I aspire to conjure as Joyce Meyers. But its a Christian-heart nonetheless. It is the absence of ignorance, and representation of personal growth. God wanted me to find him. And I did.
The Bible tells us that [Love] was the greatest thing that God gave us. It’s patient, it’s kind, its not jealous…yada yada yada (Que Walk to Remember memory).
It didn’t say love everyone but these people; or Love everyone but discriminate against these people; Or choose love, but pass laws that enable hate. Or don’t love anyone until XYZ. Or ban people from doing things, but go ahead and continue to do the “lesser-more-acceptable sins.” It just said DO IT…that Love was the greatest and comes before all. Just Love & stop making lists that organizes sin levels.
So if you want to talk about “sin” and “guilt,” before you print your check list of Christian dos and don’ts, just pick love. I wish I didn’t feel like such a hippy or Beatles Fan Enthusiast, saying All you need is love. But I am no hippy and I can barely rock the new founded hipster-christian style. What most Christians are missing is that by putting the Don’ts before the Dos, by putting your judgement before your heart, you inevitably drive EVERYONE away. God be like, “where is everyone going?”
Turn on the news. Christians aren’t popular. They are “racist,” “stuck in their time,” “un-just biggets,” and most people wish Christians would put their faith where the sun don’t shine. Inevitably religion will always cause a divide. But it is a divide on the don’ts that we humans create.
Sometimes, I get nervous to talk in public about my faith. I mean I’m the girl you take to the party and I ask everyone about their recent political theories, religion and every other thing you are not supposed to talk about (especially when you are single, 23 and drinking alcohol). But I love listening to what people think about religion and politics. Almost always, the reason for my liberal leaning friends disagreeing with Christianity, is because of exclusion.
They say, “How can I possibly be a Christian when I believe Gay People should have rights, or women should have a choice.” The truth is they’re right. How could someone choose a path that is socially discriminating towards others; a guest list without their friend’s name on it? How could Christianity be the way, when extremists show up to college campuses, posting abortion pictures, and slander towards diverse groups; completely insensitive to what those who stand on the campus have been through. All in the name of The Bible.
The bible didn’t say, don’t let the gays in. Don’t hug the lepers. Don’t like people with different skin color; as my African American boss would say, Jesus deff. had a tan. It said to love all, the way I have loved you. Inherently, automatically, every single day. Without question.
I’ve definitely had my instances of falling off the path of good faith in the past year. But I know that my heart has always been in the right place, and when in doubt I try to do right by it. Even when [lukewarm] is all I can afford to offer.
[My Bad Christian Self] enables me to connect with people wherever they are in their faith and not above them as if they have so many more stairs to climb. It helps me empathize others’ pain or resistance towards this way of life. It helps me to profess self-love in times where I’m not the best version of myself or external-love when others are not their best version either.
Ever since I started working for the homeless outreach organization, I have been in many churches encouraging their commitment and donations to help the poor in their community, in the name of God. Poverty is their next door neighbor. I’ve experienced offering plates with 6 pennies, and offering plates with checks to fund a Pastors’ Lexus. I’ve encountered people who judge you based on the color of your skin, as well as those who believe women have no place in leadership positions in church or government. Discrimination. Hatred. Greed. It’s everywhere. Even in the places that are supposed to be above that. You only have to experience walking in a room once and feeling like you’re not good enough once to know that THAT is not how it is supposed to be.
It’s a painful thing to be shamed in the name of God and your worth measured by a human perception of faith. It misleads people in the direction of blaming God. How can God exist with this type of Army defending him.
It has all inspired me to keep up my [Bad-Ass Christian Self] to stay real.
For Gosh sakes be Genuine and hug people more then you judge them. Stop giving yourself the “right” to excuse another’s circumstances or choices as someone above another.
I hate the word luke-warm [have you gotten that yet?] I’m not sure if Lukewarm can be a thing. I think if you have God in you, then you can never be lukewarm. Sure you might not tell the cashier at ShopRite that Jesus Died for them. But the one thing I have learned about God and my faith is that it grows everyday in me REGARDLESS of whether I want it to. Inevitably I will never be lukewarm.
[I will always be “cookin.”]
I’ll have my hot moments, but temperature ain’t consistent. Come on People. Last week I was wearing my parka. Today I’m sunbathing at Starbucks.
I’m not sure- but I believe we all have God in us- inherently- and if I were him, I’d be insulted to be considered lukewarm.
I know the job I was given- despite my search for inherent talent or purpose. And know at least, we all have one thing in common- a job/purpose; one that we never had to have a resume, interview, or fancy clothes to apply for.
It was to Love All; Love all as he loved us.
I have to stop myself often to remember that my life, my heart and faith is something of my own AND something to share (even if praying out loud scares me). BUT guilt, shame and discrimination are not something worth sharing. So if that makes me a sucky believer; a luke-warm woman; a beginner-bible-believer; Then I would at least like decency of a cool t-shirt that says, “Bad-Ass-Christian.”
There would totally be a donkey on it.
The thing about God and Love is IT IS INEVITABLE. It is consistant. God isn’t an if, and/ or, maybe thing. It’s a yes thing. It is constant.
Best Love,
Your Baddest Faithful Christian
|torileigh
Unnecessarily, Necessary 