A letter to me

Dear short one,

I’m sorry it has been so long since we have last spoke; I’d blame it on a lost address or postal mistake, but the truth is we’ve never been that good at [communication]. You may be younger, but the good thing is that a yellow steno pad & Ticonderoga pencil never go out of style [thanks Pop-Pop]. As you grow, life will not always be what you thought…it’s true…your watermelon pop-tart addiction will actually make a comeback. As you grow and venture the unknown, there are some things I wanted you to know; ya know the tips you can only learn by experience because let’s be real, WE are as stubborn as a [Ross and Rachel] break in the 90’s— [side note– just breathe; it only takes them like 7 more seasons to resolve].

If I could write a letter to me, and send it back in time to myself at 16-
First I’d prove it’s me by saying, go look on top of your bed; there’s a worn in stuffed rabbit Floppy, and a stain of nail-polish hid [by furniture]…the color red.
And then I’d say I know its tough, when you stress over the little stuff; And yeah I know you really try your best at pre-calc and it just don’t always seem fair. All I can say is sometimes pain & failure like that is fast and it’s rare…[thanks Brad Paisley].

Oh Tortor-

  1. Don’t be afraid- fear is the most debilitating force of nature and you need only to be still [Exodus 14:14]. When you’re scared, pray. Then pray again and endure. Warriors are made by strength and strength comes from training. Stretch  & pray up.
  2. You deserved better and did deserve better still.
  3. When anxiety strikes, b r e a t h e & stop. What is it trying to tell you- what does it want you to know? What piece of yourself have you yet to uncover. Let it guide you. Not kill you.
  4. Always [go to the gym]- you never regret it after, but always regret when you don’t– and the mental free head space benefits are e n d l e s s.
  5. Pick your battles, but don’t be a door mat. Your opinions matter too.
  6. There is no weakness in forgiveness–ever…seriously
  7. Sometimes, NO matter how much you l o v e someone, you cannot make them treat you better.
  8. Always talk to random strangers, especially in parks. Park people always have good stories. Especially Vincent on the third bench from the left.
  9. A L W A Y S know where the door is. Know when to leave. Give yourself permission to leave.
  10. When life hurts, [hug your puppies]– and if you ever don’t have a puppy- then you know what the issue is…fix it.
  11. Don’t drive fast in the rain- even for work. Love taps are totally a thing, but not every one wants to be touched.
  12. Don’t write a Gilmore Girls petition to Amy Sherman-Palladino. Netflix tries to right the wrong that was done like ten years later.
  13. [Always] talk religion and politics at bars and parties and among those you’ve only known for 20 minutes. [Be that girl]. Be the conversation. The hard conversation. There is so much left unsaid and so much progress left undone based on our inability to communicate. Even when everyone rolls their eyes at you. Keep talking.
  14. You are smart. There will be times when you feel inferior; professionally, personally, spiritually. The whole 9 yards. But you are so smart and your intelligence is not measured on an ambiguous scale that you feel like someone forgot to tell you about.
  15. Never stop [snorting] when you laugh. I think it releases endorphins.
  16. Gender issues. Sex issues. Violence issues. Race issues. Male & female issues. These are your issues. These are E V E R Y O N E’ S issues.
  17. Live at home after college and eat breakfast with mom every morning– you will never regret those 10 minutes a day spent with your biggest fan and role model, laughing at your ridiculous-never-stop-begging-always-forget-they-were-fed-beagles.
  18. Mistake Boomerangs: Don’t be so hard on yourself when you make a mistake. And then when you make the mistake again and again. You’ll get it. The odds are in your favor.
  19. The cure to hangovers will always be [Ellios Pizza], a coke (with several ice cubes) and an episode of Law & Order SVU, with a side of two beagles.
  20. Never leave work at exactly 5…the people who pay you notice and the elevator always takes longer anyway.
  21. Always take a picture of the street where you park or the level of the garage you reside on. Seriously. You’ve lost [a lot of time] trying to find your car. And it’s only funny when dad doesn’t have to come and find it.
  22. Be the best sister to a sister that you can. Be the best sister to a brother that you can.
  23. Listen to your dad when he tells you to write it down. Seriously. You need a list. You need to check it twice. You need to cross things off.
  24. You are enough, more than enough. Overwhelmingly enough.
  25. Don’t keep [score or tallies]. In friendships, relationships, and mini-golf. Someone always cheats at mini-golf anyway.
  26. Sometimes there are no explanations. You have to find peace with the fact that you wont always be given peace. A lack of explanation, is in fact [an explanation]. Take that & make peace.
  27. Always bring an extra shirt in your car. Just do it. Your klutzy-daily-coffee-spilling-self will thank you.
  28. Even though you’re not supposed to, [just keep smiling] at strangers on the street, even in West Philadelphia. No one smiles at one another anymore, so once they get past the odd gesture, you might get one back. And then they might look out for your car when its parked in not-so-nice areas.
  29. Don’t put your lucky shirt in the dryer.
  30. Have a back up lucky shirt..
  31. Respect yourself. With guys. With friendships. With work.
  32. You are doing a good job. There will be times when you just need someone to tell you that. So I’m telling you, you’re doing good kid.
  33. [Invest without return]— don’t expect people to do for you, what you do for them. But at the same time keep standards. Be a great friend, be accountable and share that type of love and support that you wish to receive.
  34. [Stop] breaking up with people in parks.
  35. If you find yourself faced with a situation that constitutes an apology – [call the person]. Exchange verbal communication. Facetime. Book a flight. Fill the tank with gas. No texts. Don’t let your single K’s and periods and passive aggressive “alright” & “fines” create anymore unnecessary hostility.
  36. Don’t hide behind texts– make sure what you write down is something you can be held accountable to [out loud] (seriously note to self as I’m typing this..)
  37. Always vote, even if your town is not giving out the, “I Voted today,” sticker.
  38. You’re going to be so good at giving love to those who need it most- don’t ever forget that [IS A TALENT]. Stop searching for a talent when you already have one.
  39. Your brother will go into the Army. Don’t try to fight someone else’s path. You are going to be very proud of him.
  40. Fall in love…with yourself. Not just once, [but multiple times]. Each period of growth find that self-love. Because like all relationships, sometimes you need to s p i c e things up and keep that fire alive. Self love is best love.

  41. Each trial and tribulation will not be your final trial and tribulation. You get to unlock new levels, but you never really beat the game. So gear up.
  42. Don’t even consider running for public office unless it is on mars with no telecommunications or WiFi.
  43. Buy the dress when you see it the first time
  44. Wear long pants or socks when you climb ropes– although on second thought… the scars are kinda bad ass
  45. The guy you should be with, is never the guy. I have no idea why.
  46. Take a lunch break– food is a human necessity. You need food for energy and energy to do some kick-ass real-life work. Have lunch.
  47. Love is Love.
  48. Trust. Trust until you have a reason to not trust. Anything else is an assumption.
  49. Follow intention with action— thinking about writing a thank you card is different then actually writing a thank you card, because the first option leaves Sally Sue with no thank you, but a selfish mirage of kindness.
  50. Go to church and pray at the alter every chance you get. There is something so incredibly liberating & humbling about kneeling before God. Something about surrendering that control freak-ness you have. You CANNOT do everything on your own.
  51. [Your legs are strong]– use them— thrusters, push press, jerks, moving on blah blah blah. Strict means that you are trying alone… let them help you lift those mountains and beyond. (PS if you don’t work out or do CrossFit, this seams ridiculous) So, summarily–stop trying to do everything alone. Stop making everything harder for yourself.
  52. Stop leaving your phone on do-not-disturb and then losing it…pick one.
  53. [Listen] more than you speak– this is tough I know because you are a professional word-vomitter. Look your people in the eye, find out why their day sucked, how unfair red lights are and how one cup of Starbucks equates to the cost of a whole bag of coffee. Life is unfair, but unfair to everyone for a different reason. Learn those reasons. [Be better from those reasons].
  54. You can be a [feminist]. It doesn’t mean you hate men and don’t shave your legs (although maybe that definition is slightly more accurate– in the winter ladies.)
  55. Make your bed- don’t ever get in the habit of convincing yourself that the 45 seconds of making your bed is what is going to make you late and miss the early bird parking special. There is something m a g i c a l about seeing a made bed at 8pm after a long day, then a messy display of [sleep-massacre] that occurred the night before.
  56. Let go. I’d say in your own time, but you’re freakin’ slow. So let go. Stop waiting to be invited to do so. So yeah.. let go.
  57. [One huge deep breath settles everything] Like a long one-the kind coach Mike makes you do in weight lifting when you are normally making funny faces and noises. Breath in. Breath out. It releases the pressure on your chest and lowers the feelings of anxieties and the large a** hypothetical brick that is submerged on your chest.
  58. [D o n ‘ t s e t t l e].

I write this to you not so you could regret or do things differently. As Simba & Rafiki have taught us– you cannot change the past– you can [r u n] from it or [l e a r n] from it. Know that as time goes, you will learn these things about yourself. It is my hope that you remember how great you are when you forget.  It is my hope that you learn ways to reduce thought rumination and constant analyzation of things you cannot change, but have the wisdom to know when to fight. That you know the better version of yourself when you graze rock bottom.

That fear is a [choice] and every experience, although a part of you, does not define you. Pain and heartbreak don’t shape you. God welcomes you. And family and friends ARE E V E R Y T H I N G (seriously though– holy moly– lots of feelings).

I love you tortor leigh and don’t you ever forget it.

|torileigh

PS: You’re still around to write this letter to me.

Leave a comment